stand back

whoa, im over here!!

2004-06-17T22:25:40Z

hey, remember how cool it was when you were a kid to stick your fingers in the paste and then the glue dry and then peel off the dried paste like it was a second skin?

man, little kids are weird.

hmm, i wonder where i put my paste...

eff this.

2004-05-03T15:29:56Z

eff this forever.
its time to forget it all
and be something new.

maybe you wont even know me in four months time.

let the dizziness prevail.

2004-03-06T12:13:19Z

i used to wish my name was alice because then i would be associated with my very own wonderland. i was like six. it wasnt until a few years later that i realized most would associate it with the house cleaning maid of the brady bunch.

after that i wished my name was stacey. im not sure why. probably because when teachers or people in general couldnt remember my name, theyd always guess stacey. i dont even look like a stacey. i never had big peacock late eighties bangs. forgive me, i did wear the occasional neon green and white pokadoted skirt/shirt outfit, but i was eight! and really, who wasnt jealous of that outfit? i was jealous because it was so cool, and it was MY outfit!!

when i was fed up with stacey, i wanted people to call me lyn. third grade and i single handedly retaught my entire class to refer to me as lyn. maybe this is why some of my closer california friends still call me that. with those exceptions, lyn only lasted until the end of the year.

dont know why i found it imperative to write this at five in the morning. sometimes you just have to autobiography to avoid...auto...living?

yes. autoliving.

(im genious).

think i'll post here.

2004-03-01T08:23:38Z

Mustangman1968s: i know, but thats why i dont understand. you want more than anyting to get out, and at the mere thought of accomplishing that you get scared
Chaos is come: its easy to stay.
Chaos is come: its hard to leave.
Chaos is come: what if i fail there too?
Chaos is come: what if im going for the wrong reasons?
Mustangman1968s: pleasing to leave, destructive to stay, dont worry about what if, have confidence in yourself.
Mustangman1968s: unhappiness will never be a wrong reason
---

best reassuring advice yet. thanks davebrown.

third times a charm.

2004-02-19T16:38:20Z

i havent been a big script updater because ive started it and restarted it three times now. but i think i finally have it right...it starts with the same three anecdotes of the girl lying. if you dont remember them, scroll back on my journal six or seven entries and reread them. its worth it, i promise.

(the scenes slowly rewind and gradually pick up speed until it reaches the beginning and then fast forwards through again-still picking up speed-until the end. it abruptly stops in the present on the main character, alley, standing in the middle of a city neighborhood street. a car is coming towards her. she continues to stand in the way until the driver honks the horn. alley rolls her eyes and slowly walks out of the way. credits roll here. after the credits, the scene begins in a crappy coffeehouse. alley and her best friend jade are in a secluded corner.)

alley-no, jade. im telling you, a fricken carmel machiatto is just a schmucky star bucks fancy dance for a plain every day carmel latte with whip.

jade-theres more to it than that, im sure. and dont say whip.

alley-why not?

jade-because its whipped cream. not whip.

alley-but ive heard them (points to baristas) refer to it as whip. why the hell shouldnt i be able to?

jade-you dont work here.

alley-i drink here. i buy their real plain carmel lattes (emphasizes) with whip, i should be able to say it too.

jade-its barista lingo, not crappy coffeehouse regulars lingo. they make fun of customers like you.

alley-yeah, well, they make fun of customers who order fancy dances like carmel machiattos too.

(alden walks in. he walks confidently to order but doesnt see the girls yet. he orders a carmel machiatto and all the baristas roll their eyes. he gets his drink and see the girls. he joins them.)

alden-man, they're really rude today. i even tipped them.

jade-what did you tip them?

alden-my change.

alley-geez, alden! first you insult them by patronizing them like we're a fricken star bucks in effing seattle and then you only give them your pathetic 18cents for a tip? of course they're rude today!

jade-do you even know whats in your carmel machiatto?

alden-yeah, carmel and whatever machiatto is.

alley-do you know its not even on the menu?

alden-what? of course its on the menu. its like a coffeehouse law to serve the carmel machiatto.

jade-like you arent a real coffeehouse if you dont serve the carmel machiatto? it validates your existance amoung other coffeehouses?

alden-yeah.

alley-whats wrong with you two? im telling you, a carmel machiatto is like the frappucino-a star bucks gimmick. "come spend four dollars on what is only a carmel latte with whip because we call it something no one understands."

alden-dont say whip alley.

do you like apples?

2004-02-14T11:53:41Z

dear valentines day,
i will work you from 5:30 am until 1 pm and then go back and work you from 4 pm until 11 pm. fifteen hoursish sounds about right for a day like today. i will work on a few hours of sleep for the second night in a row. my new light bulbs are 100 watt each and my room is now as bright as the sun. its confusing when i get up and my lights blind me. although, valentines day, im sure there is little you can do to help with this. maybe if you could just cease to exist as a contrived, unoriginal holiday, id feel better. i even got a valentine present and my mom is sending me flowers today. so its not even jealousy of others good fortune on this day.

how do you like them apples?
sincerely, lyndsi vance.

brutal_sunrise @ 2004-02-08T08:51:00

2004-02-08T15:38:58Z

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:	Indie Elitist
Your Favorite Band/Song	The Strokes - Last Nite
You Like To Read:	Classic literature
You Firmly Believe In:	Free love
Everyone Thinks You Are:	A respectable person
You Were Conceived:	On the 30-yard line
You Will Marry:	The kid next door

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

this is hysterical because neither of my parents watch football. also, i was recently called an elitist. and like ive said before quizzes are like tv and t shirts. they never lie.

brutal_sunrise @ 2004-02-04T23:17:00

2004-02-05T06:04:53Z

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	44%
Competence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Anger	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Emotionality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test

hmm...im not very cautious or neat or modest. meh.

brutal_sunrise @ 2004-02-04T12:21:00

2004-02-04T19:08:18Z

my tylinka refuses to play beautiful music. it must be broken...

stupid copper pipe

brutal_sunrise @ 2004-02-02T09:29:00

2004-02-02T16:16:47Z

You will perish of fits. Repeat this to yourself:
"Things can work out even if I don't get
my way. Things can work out even...."

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla

quizzes are like tv and t shirts. they never lie.

slayer of the vampires.

2004-01-29T03:28:34Z

seriously. andrew is the best character buffy/angel.

joss whedon is brilliant.

brutal_sunrise @ 2004-01-27T16:09:00

2004-01-27T22:56:40Z

watch out. my journal layout is different and now better than yours.

i am indeed that confident.

the beginning.

2004-01-26T05:09:24Z

through a brilliant sentiment from a dear friend, i decided he was right (as usual) and have already begun taking action. though i am not sure why i am posting it in this journal, i will be sure to keep updates on how it is going if anyone is so interested. at this point, as i have just (though rapidly) started to scribble down the first draft, it is untitled.

(movie begins with a black screen. a girls voice begins to narrate)

for three years in a row, i convinced my best friend on my birthday that i was actually a year older than i had always told everyone because my parents were too scared to let me begin kindergarten when i was five because i was small for my age. she believed me, with little opposition, every year. now, i dont know if this is because i am a great liar or because she was incredibly dense.

when i was thirteen, i prank called one of my friends one afternoon, claiming to be kelly from saved by the bell. i didnt bother to clarify myself as tiffani amber theissen. i was merely kelly kapowski, girlfriend of zack morris. my friend had won a contest she didnt enter to guest star on saved by the bell. it wasnt until i could no longer keep from laughing hysterically that she realized it was a joke.

my freshman year of high school, i came to class one morning in unstoppable tears. through heavy breaths and choked sentances (to increase the drama) i revealed to understanding friends that my dad had decided to move our family away from my childhood home and that my last day with any of them was in fact that very day. they all cried and held my hand until that last dreadful bell rang at the end of the day. when i showed up to school the next morning, none of them spoke to me for an entire week.

it was then that i realized it was time to find smarter friends.

sometimes you got to mix it up.

2004-01-18T23:48:38Z

You are "Waste of Paint". You can be a
very over analyzing person and you are sort of
lost. You aren't really sure where you're going
with your life but for now you hold some hope
that you will indeed get to where you are
going. Oh yeah, and that thing called
"love", you feel it's just a game of
chance. A game you are not good at.

Which BRIGHT EYES song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

brutal_sunrise @ 2004-01-05T10:58:00

2004-01-05T17:48:19Z

why do i bleed more than anyone i know? not only that, but i bruise more easily too. which in essense is bleeding under the skin, is it not?

its snowing. i hate it.
my arm hurts. i hate it.
im tired. i hate that i cant find sleep.

look. three hates. im one negative nelly.

a-holes.

brutal_sunrise @ 2003-11-17T14:37:00

2003-11-17T21:26:50Z

oh yeah...

im amazing.

three thirty am.

2003-11-05T16:17:50Z

scribble it down
erase it all
dont let it out before
your thoughts are complete.
absent ideas mix so well
with that present bottle.
(pour me another).
she'll notice the way you walk
the way you walk
the way you walk
away.
youve left a bread trail.
sharp pieces of a broken heart
to follow you back to dream.
clear your throat.
no one noticed you choke
on that "i love you."
no one noticed you look down.
im just looking to see if you
notice the way i walk
the way i walk
the way i walk
away.
im breathing in these toxic seconds
wishing on a broken bread trail.
you can bring that bottle with you
down the path i layed.
you can tell me your absent idea.
i swear i'll keep it secret...
until i watch you walk
watch you walk
watch you walk
away.

stopping at the green lights.

2003-10-27T15:19:14Z

fine lines bleeding out of cracked skin.
wrap it up before it destroys you.
familiar tunes to dance to.
but you sit static in your black cave,
running from no one elses shadows.
no one elses but your own.
and mine.
my garbage can is filling up rapidly
with dark bruises.
youve got to fill up to fall down.
youve got to fall down to hit bottom.
youve got to hit bottom to..
this tangled phone cord serves as the perfect noose.
do you have it in you?
break the cycle.
i will see it through for you.
through you.
wake up mid afternoon
and empty the dark bruises.
brush the fear out of our eyes.
pin it up with the magnets you stash in your pockets.
reel the next in and keep the passed near.
youve got to hit bottom to walk away.

brutal_sunrise @ 2003-10-24T05:43:00

2003-10-24T11:34:52Z

--

a mild attraction
sucks my liver dry.
a course of action
to ammend this drowning ~~ailment~~ alement
"youre the cutest girl i know."
ive got the crooked smile to prove it
and the pictures to enforce it.
youve got the flashy blue eyes that kill
and i got those pictures too.
i see you have other plans.
curling up at night alone
dreaming of long distance diseases.
it wont last.
ive been there.
brush it off roll it over fade back.
i swear i'll pretend
im not dying.
but im saving it for another broken day.

im so glad that my memorys remote.

2003-10-22T16:42:12Z

you can do what you want to whenever you want to
you can do what you want to there's no one to stop you
now you can do what you want to wheverever you want to
do what you want to whenever you want to
do what you want to whenever you want to though it doesnt mean a thing,
big nothing.

ring around the rosies.

2003-10-17T02:36:44Z

i drew a picture tonight.
of a posey.
it was pathetically cute looking.
kind of like me.
on yellow lined paper.
only im not on yellow lined paper.

written was:
to charlie.
i picked you a posey.
love, lyndsi.

he put it in his back pocket.
soon i will get him a real posey.
and then i will say
to charlie.
i heart you.
love, me.

im working through the fear of rejection with drawings.

brutal_sunrise @ 2003-10-09T06:34:00

2003-10-09T12:27:40Z

talking to you is like embracing indifference. it used to be so much more. i dont think you know what true intensity is. or ever did. or maybe you do and you chose to hide your head in the sand. face value can be deceiving.

and im not one for (your) apathy.

dont you tell me to get real...

2003-10-08T17:14:48Z

i know what fucking real is.

i wish i was acting.

safety net

2003-10-05T20:47:38Z

pretty pink pills swallowed behind five star hotel doors. ring the bell for a burn. a bottle. a line.
ive got an impulse. an urge to jump. dont reach. cant stop me.
look to your right.left.behind.
anywhere else to parade your poker face.
sights set on alliteration and repeats.
alliteration and repeats.
alliteration and repeats.
say it enough, they will listen.
or welt you for dull silence.
the silence that does not call for gaping attention. the kind of silence that holds onto chronic dependancy.
hold my breath under sparkling springs.
i'll hold it longer than you will. i'll out you.
im dying in this town.
for fresh air and a skinny desperate embrace. something worthy of diary pages.
the bind on this bible is not even broken.
brand new verses for brand new low account high strung two faced card games.

twos and threes and twenty threes.

2003-10-03T12:14:02Z

twenty and a half today. getting older is weird. growing up is even weirder. but the weirdest is the realization that all of this happens within yourself. friends are obsolete. they generally end up failing you. family is inconsequential. they have created life beyond ten years ago...living in the same worlds, in different towns minus you. material crap is exactly that...crap. it doesnt matter how much money you have. if you cant eat, youre dying anyway.

it all ends with you.i.me. one person to change the course of yourself. without you, your world doesnt exist. a bit existentialistic. but should you disappear, so does the growing up, the getting older, the useless friends and family.

i dont know why, but ive been thinking a lot about this lately.